I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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