3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
