Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
