she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
