at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
