Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
