Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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