i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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