Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Randomize
