You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
