hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
