i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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