I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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