When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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