Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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