Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
