You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
