No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
