I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
