She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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