boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
