You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
