I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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