I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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