I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
