Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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