You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
