my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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