The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
