I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
