my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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