If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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