Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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