i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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