did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
