Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
