I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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