I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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