I accidentally burped into my bong.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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