so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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