It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
