After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
