16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
