When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
she peed on how many people?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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