just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
