I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
