I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
