He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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