Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
