I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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