Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
