weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
